I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
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Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.