Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
You Might Also Like
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.