Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
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(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Facebook memories be like
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!