*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
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I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Who.
Did.
This?
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
My current situation
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.