She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
You Might Also Like
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Just a reminder, folks:
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Möther may I have a snäck
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I’m dying louder than usual today.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.