Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
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I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
A small tragedy.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.