Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
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I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
War & Peace
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.