I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
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flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Venn
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend