Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
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PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.