DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
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WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.