My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
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If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.