[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
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Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
The honesty is refreshing
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”