Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
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Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good