I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
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What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.