My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
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Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
is this store having a stroke wtf
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job