I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
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There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.