A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
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Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Breaking news:
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks