Mornin
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I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*