Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
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You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.