Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
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When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Good morning, Twitter x
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
[shakes fist at other fist]
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
selfie game
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.