Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
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cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
this is the news I live for
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
My love language is hissing.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house