My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
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Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Oh deer
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.