*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
You Might Also Like
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
reviewed some movies recently
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
How does one answer this?
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty