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Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars