if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
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Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap