You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
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Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
The options really are this bad
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please