me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
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When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Netflix: We have Less
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.