The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
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I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
She was REALLY feeling it.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.