very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
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There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.