See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
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1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Fixed this for Shakespeare
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.