Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
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HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Animal poetry
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me