OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
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[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank