Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
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When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Had to try this trend 😊
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing