Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
You Might Also Like
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok