I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
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He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour