If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
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Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Feel. He’s so soft.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”