My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
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[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Van Gone
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO