[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
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Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock