My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
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This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Breaking news:
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*