[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
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My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.