wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
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This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.