Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
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All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair