So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
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Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???