I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
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Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.