whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
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*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming