I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
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[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.