Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
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[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Did I do this right
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.