I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
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They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
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Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
another case of gang violins
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Introverted vegans go meetless