If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
You Might Also Like
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
🤣🤣🤣
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
It’s an epidemic…
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.