So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
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*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Day 2 of my diet
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”